Yesterday I wanted to do homework and write more blog posts after at the end of my day, but I had a meeting that, honestly I was very happy and excited about until the very end.
I had a great day, and my soul was on fire (in a good way); even through fatigue; mental exhaustion, and even a headache, I felt
Amazing?
Not only did I leave the meeting feeling like sh*t, but I’ve been very depressed lately. I filmed 6 people back in April and am still working on their projects. Sometimes, all I do is stare at my computer screen for hours, run my fingers across the mouse pad, so it never dies, and leave the projects unfinished. I have no more unhappy tears unless it’s anger. I had nothing else to give unless it was anger. And even through that! I am still somehow amazingly happy. I don’t understand it; I have never felt this way before. I am also much much MUCH more empathetic and openly feeling my feelings. I’ve been calling people out when they try to shove me into a guilt trip and allowing my emotions to take precedent in ways I have never done before.
I do nothing but smile and laugh. It’s weird; before my depression never saw any signs of happiness, just anger and despair. But today’s me, the new me, the healed me, recognizes that the anger I have can’t be misdirected and is no longer something to act on and allow to take over. All I wanted was to do homework. So I self-soothed like I was an infant. I watched Justice Leagued unlimited, FINALLY ate some dinner, cleared my mind, and began to reflect on every conversation that brought me to tears, anger, annoyance, or heartbreak. Especially the last 45mins of a meeting turned my great mood inside out.
I then realized that sometimes the people in your life are committed to misunderstanding you. Even when you understand them, even when you repeat yourself several times, even when you set the standards and boundaries, there is no getting through because people are honestly only concerned with themselves. Not even in a selfish way. But they don’t want to because they cannot truly see outside their understanding.
Anyways, I think I’m done caring in the ways I’m used to. I’m done living in the ways I’ve been living. It’s time for a change and time to give up, honestly. And before anyone says don’t give up. Keep going. Keep trying. Giving up is okay. Quitting is okay. Throwing in the towel is okay. Being soft is okay. Being soft and caring in ways that feed my soul in ways I haven’t experienced before is the goal, but I need a comfortable and safe environment to do that in. Whether it’s home, school, boards, or work, I want to step into my soft black girl era. And I just can’t do that where I am, virtually, physically, and mentally.
It’s official; I have outgrown myself. I must move on and release the new me. The me that will go forth and be great. And not because I’m absolutely amazing and God’s favorite, but because I know myself, and I know the new me that has emerged from the pandemic is even more self-aware than the me who went into the pandemic. I can no longer contain myself to fit into where I am. 2020 me fit into those spaces. 2021 and beyond me outgrew them and shrunk herself because it was familiar, and she was desperate not to end up homeless/back home in Rochester, NY, friendless, and common. And yet here I am, taking the leap of faith that could still bring all that on.
It is not that I don’t even care anymore; it’s that I need to take the first steps, get my feet wet, and throw caution to the wind, or at least wave it in the wind while holding on tight as hell to it as well lmao. I’ve lived in other countries, states, and cities. I have lived several times before. And I will continue to live again and again and again, etc.
– Shae.Carrey
Drinks and Desserts 