Author: drinksanddesserts

Yesterday I wanted to do homework and write more blog posts after at the end of my day, but I had a meeting that, honestly I was very happy and excited about until the very end.

I had a great day, and my soul was on fire (in a good way); even through fatigue; mental exhaustion, and even a headache, I felt

Amazing?

Not only did I leave the meeting feeling like sh*t, but I’ve been very depressed lately. I filmed 6 people back in April and am still working on their projects. Sometimes, all I do is stare at my computer screen for hours, run my fingers across the mouse pad, so it never dies, and leave the projects unfinished. I have no more unhappy tears unless it’s anger. I had nothing else to give unless it was anger. And even through that! I am still somehow amazingly happy. I don’t understand it; I have never felt this way before. I am also much much MUCH more empathetic and openly feeling my feelings. I’ve been calling people out when they try to shove me into a guilt trip and allowing my emotions to take precedent in ways I have never done before.

I do nothing but smile and laugh. It’s weird; before my depression never saw any signs of happiness, just anger and despair. But today’s me, the new me, the healed me, recognizes that the anger I have can’t be misdirected and is no longer something to act on and allow to take over. All I wanted was to do homework. So I self-soothed like I was an infant. I watched Justice Leagued unlimited, FINALLY ate some dinner, cleared my mind, and began to reflect on every conversation that brought me to tears, anger, annoyance, or heartbreak. Especially the last 45mins of a meeting turned my great mood inside out.

I then realized that sometimes the people in your life are committed to misunderstanding you. Even when you understand them, even when you repeat yourself several times, even when you set the standards and boundaries, there is no getting through because people are honestly only concerned with themselves. Not even in a selfish way. But they don’t want to because they cannot truly see outside their understanding.

Anyways, I think I’m done caring in the ways I’m used to. I’m done living in the ways I’ve been living. It’s time for a change and time to give up, honestly. And before anyone says don’t give up. Keep going. Keep trying. Giving up is okay. Quitting is okay. Throwing in the towel is okay. Being soft is okay. Being soft and caring in ways that feed my soul in ways I haven’t experienced before is the goal, but I need a comfortable and safe environment to do that in. Whether it’s home, school, boards, or work, I want to step into my soft black girl era. And I just can’t do that where I am, virtually, physically, and mentally.

It’s official; I have outgrown myself. I must move on and release the new me. The me that will go forth and be great. And not because I’m absolutely amazing and God’s favorite, but because I know myself, and I know the new me that has emerged from the pandemic is even more self-aware than the me who went into the pandemic. I can no longer contain myself to fit into where I am. 2020 me fit into those spaces. 2021 and beyond me outgrew them and shrunk herself because it was familiar, and she was desperate not to end up homeless/back home in Rochester, NY, friendless, and common. And yet here I am, taking the leap of faith that could still bring all that on.

It is not that I don’t even care anymore; it’s that I need to take the first steps, get my feet wet, and throw caution to the wind, or at least wave it in the wind while holding on tight as hell to it as well lmao. I’ve lived in other countries, states, and cities. I have lived several times before. And I will continue to live again and again and again, etc.

– Shae.Carrey

It’s late, I know. I’ve been sitting in bed trying to figure out what to say about my mid-20s. At first, I was going to write something sad and dark, but then as I went through all the pictures, I realized that yes, a lot of horrid stuff happened to me: most of it happening in NYC, to be honest. My grandfather, who raised me and was like my father, died. That sent me into a trajectory to want even more for me than I already imagined. Then I moved to NYC, and to be the utmost of honest, I slept in my car the first few weeks, and I was so poor the first 2 months, I had to take from the grocery store, unfortunately, and even more crap happened with family and friends. I had one of the worst roommates of my whole life, and yet I lived with Akiena, who I absolutely adore and want the best for no matter the stages in my life. I even got into a car accident that now has me scurred to drive in any type of rain weather. You know the basic self-loathing stuff, lol, and this was just in NYC; imagine how horrible working at ADT was, lmao.

Except that wasn’t my actual mid-20s, that was just a rough ass year and a half that I still managed to live it up through. My mid-20s were filled with what??? TRAVELS, ADVENTURES, FRIENDSHIP, FAMILY, LAUGHTER, ACCOMPLISHMENTS, FREEDOM, AND LOVE!

I graduated with my master’s degree, I had my first big girl job at a call center, I met some of the best people in my life; I LEARNED HOW TO FREAKING DRIVE!!! I got tattoos, started dating so many men, and realized that arrogance does pay off lmao I decorated my first apartment, I became a beacon for many souls. I took a 4-month break and traveled all over the place. I think I went to about 13 states and 5 countries during my mid-20s and even surprised my great-grandmother with a trip to the African American Museum in DC. I also started a podcast and blog, a small cake business, and I went out to 3 events every single week no matter where I was in the world (during those 4 months). I didn’t tell anyone; I was just traveling and being. I blew through my entire savings, and it was the best decision I ever made!!!

Most of that was just four months at the tail end of my mid-20s; now imagine what the other years were like, nothing but fun as well. Sometimes we dwell on the bad moments because those were monumental shifts in our lives. I no longer want to do that moving forward in my life. Monumental moments are also the ones that get you through your day-to-day, and we must understand that not every interruption is negative. I interrupted my daily schedule for months, which turned out to be the best thing I ever did for myself. People always complain about not being young anymore in their 20s, and I was never that way; I deserve gap years too, I deserve happiness and love, and to work various jobs to figure out what I like because I like every damn thing. I freaking LIVED in my mid-20s, and I made so many memories it took me like 3hrs of searching and narrowing down my photos.

Do you know how fortunate, grateful, and happy I am to have lived my life on my terms and still come out the other end safe, sound, and beautiful? I thought my Mid-20s were a mess, and honestly, they were, but more importantly than that, they were freeing and nothing but sun showers that made me grow!

My mid-20s owe me nothing but a donut, a milkshake, and Trevante Rhodes.

MY TWENTIES HAVE ENTERED THE CHAT! 20-23

BEFORE YOU ASK WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DAYS! I’ve been really sick so this is what we are doing now lol

And here we go!

Honestly, going through and finding pictures unlocked Oswego memories in a way that’s very much so bittersweet. One of the roughest and most rewarding periods of my life. I went from jobless and struggling to overworking, studying, partying, getting my first degree, living in a different country, severe mental breakdowns, getting 2 new siblings , making new friends, sleeping on my BFF’s couch and floor for months shout out to Atiah Reign, and getting my first apartment; all in 3years? Dang, I was busy, yet it felt like I was failing the whole time. Little did I know I wasn’t failing; I was falling upwards. Look no one actually knows what they are doing. It’s a scam lmaoo and I let it scam me all the way until next year Looking back on my early twenties, I realized that yes, I was going THROUGH IT!

Trust me, the mental loops of depression and the need to survive really block your vision, but yet I loved every second of my life doing the best that I could with what I had. All in all, my early 20s turned out exceptional. Now my mid-20s is tomorrow, and let me tell you; I don’t think I’ve cried so much in my life as an adult as I did in my mid-20sAlso, I literally had 15 different hairstyles and SSOOOO MANY hair cuts and hair colors throughout my twenties that I didn’t even recognize myself during the first 4years of it because it was too many different looks between 20-23 and if that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know then hey lol

Killing two birds with one stone since it was the same birthday!
Last Birthday was a whirlwind for sure, and I appreciate my BFF Nia because she celebrated with me. IT WAS THE CELEBRATION, HOWEVER, THAT WENT AWRY. We ended up having nonalcoholic sparkling grape juice because 1. I was driving, 2. She had work in the morning, and it was late, and 3. I forgot the wine at home lol As we have prepared our spaces to eat, I open the juice, and it explodes everywhere. Instead of jumping into action, we both screamed and stood in one spot until I started screaming, “Get the swifer” over and over again. She’s screaming and running around in circles looking for a towel, and I was looking for the swifer WHILE STILL HOLDING THE OVERFLOWING BOTTLE.

So I ran with the bottle to the kitchen, put it in the sink, and then we looked around at the mess and started dying laughing. That moment of worry and panic and just complete chaos was what we needed. 202 was a tense year, and even though we were celebrating, we were extremely tense the whole time until that happened. Honestly, that one moment was the absolute highlight of my year. It made everything feel better, to just laugh and be silly and goofy after losing so many loved ones. My 29th Birthday was great!

My absolute favorite moment was when I got to see Mariah Carrey in PERSON, but more importantly, seeing Mariah Carrey sing “All I Want for Christmas Is You”. I screamed so loud and I said I love you and she said I love you too! And that “I love you too!” really made my year.