For Women Who Are Difficult to Love by Warsan Shire
you are a horse running alone and he tries to tame you compares you to an impossible highway to a burning house says you are blinding him that he could never leave you forget you want anything but you you dizzy him, you are unbearable every woman before or after you is doused in your name you fill his mouth his teeth ache with memory of taste his body just a long shadow seeking yours but you are always too intense frightening in the way you want him unashamed and sacrificial he tells you that no man can live up to the one who lives in your head and you tried to change didn’t you? closed your mouth more tried to be softer prettier less volatile, less awake but even when sleeping you could feel him traveling away from you in his dreams so what did you want to do love split his head open? you can’t make homes out of human beings someone should have already told you that and if he wants to leave then let him leave you are terrifying and strange and beautiful something not everyone knows how to love.
While this song is a love song, the overall message about dreaming in color and wanting more for yourself out of life than what you are receiving has always resonated with me, and it has always made me cry, and it probably always will.
LYRICS AND SONG ATTACHED BELOW
“Ooh, hoo yeah Mmm, hmm Tired of living life in black and white There’s so much in between Like a rainbow in the sky Crying to be seen
When I open my eyes to find inspiration I search for the best I can see If I settle for less I won’t be the best I can be When I dream,
I dream in color I want a love, not just a lover I’ll give you so many good reasons To capture a dream, yeah, yeah Life is short,
but can’t be bought, mmm And time is a very precious thing I want to go to where I’ve never been And see what’s never been seen In the midst
of the morning I won’t take for granted There’ll always be another new day Got to live for each moment Never let time slip away When I dream,
I dream in color I want a love, not just a lover I’ll give you so many good reasons To capture a dream, whoaIf I was unaware,
if I didn’t care About people and places and things How could I live a life full and satisfied Now knowing how to dream When I dream, oh, yeah When I dream,
I dream in color I want a love, not just a lover Show me a child who never has seen A vision that shows what his life really means I’ll give you so many good reasons To capture a dream” – lyricfind.com
This year, the biggest thing I have done for myself is rest and avoid black trauma in large quantities. To be a Black person in white countries is never truly to know rest and peace. I have tried my hardest to stay away from as much traumatic content as possible, but with the way social media is set up, it’s hard to avoid it because people just put their trauma out there for you to see with no warning. With that being said, I like to stay up to date on current events, but too much media and negativity can be draining.
I also make sure never to consume any black trauma media sometimes; due to our climate, I have to work on sets that deal with black trauma because, honestly, I am unemployed, and I need the money. Still, I am grateful not to be at the forefront of it all and escape to other departments for my mental stability. To counter that, I try to get as much rest as possible. I watch tv; I play games, listen to music, read comics, fictional books, and any other things that will help me relax. I even tend to relax so much that I run into homework time, but I seem always to get everything done on time. Rest has been the most contributing factor to my creativity.
As shown above, I have had time to experiment with not just my filming and lighting techniques, but photoshop, which has been a fantastic thing for me, honestly. I created the above photos, I created the photo from the day two flier, and I was able to subtly touch up the photo from day 4. Creating stories, filming, making delicious new recipes and foods from all around the world, baking my childhood favorites, and just releasing myself to the world to continue being a sponge and learning has all been due to rest. Resting is key to any part of my life, and this is the first time in a long where I actually understood that and not panicked as much as I thought I would.
Honestly, my biggest accomplishment this year has been rest, but we’ll get into that more later. Right now, I would like to talk about my first ever short film. Looking back at it now, although it was filmed and edited between June and July, I already want to do it over. I have grown and learned so much since making it, BUT I am so proud of myself and what I have created. To take the leap and go to film school, to write an original script, to do my own hair and makeup, to battle grief, to have been wholly unhinged, living through a pandemic, mixing my own audio, doing all my own hair and costuming, lighting (my biggest struggle but now I understand where it went wrong and yet I am still happy with it), DIRECTING MYSELF, and creating the vision from thin air has been such a rewarding task and I love it.
INSERT FROM MY INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT AND YOUTUBE LINK TO THE SHORT FILM.
So this is my first ever short film. It was a school project. I wasn’t going to post it at first because, honestly, I’m terrified, lmao
DESCRIPTION:
This short film is a bit of comedy and a bit of drama that centers around 1 woman’s 3 conscious orders:
Will You? – The self-righteous, I want no parts of this, but then again I do.
Should I? – The fallback plan who seems always to need a boost of confidence.
Shouldn’t I? – The overly confident and dominant one who does not mind being seen and chosen at all times.
And their fight to come out on top during a stressful homework session.
I purposely color-corrected all three characters so that it reflects their personalities. One is more faded and dark, one is slightly lighter but muted, and the other is bright and out there. I was quite honestly done for and slightly embarrassed between me having to refilm 3 times, a family death, filming myself and my skin breaking out, and being extremely oily due to a new dermatology treatment. But hey, you live, and you learn!
I am excited, and I hope you guys enjoy it!!!
If you have any tips or online resources (ESPECIALLY FOR AUDIO AND COLOR CORRECTION), please share. Everything was filmed on a Sony FS5 and edited with Adobe Creative Cloud (Premiere Pro, Rush, Audition, Media Encoder, Lightroom, Lightroom Pro, and Photoshop).
I believe in prayer, manifestation, God, Jesus, The Universe, Ancestors, Spirits, and The Guides. I speak to them daily, and if it’s one thing I’ve learned, it takes a lot of my core beliefs to do so. To say I’m happy, stand up for myself and others, and have the willpower to live AND SURVIVE relies heavily on them. Even when I was at my darkest and wanted to give up or refused to give up when I needed to, no matter the situation, my core beliefs kept me going and led me back to me.
Drinks and Desserts 