Drinks and Desserts

I guess I never really thought about this before, but it took me a really long time to love my face. That’s an incredibly hard and surprising thing I’ve learned about myself. I am incredibly confident in my looks, especially my face, and this prompt took me forever to find something. I had some things on deck, but when I sat down and honestly thought it through. It took me a long time to love my face. Yes, partly due to the acne (mostly scarring and dark marks), but I realized I hated my side profile. My nose has been through a lot, and while I think my nose is amazing, the pain it brings me from my childhood memories still rests at the back of my mind like a near-death experience. I have fallen on it several times, scarred it, took a piece of bone off it, and then it grew back with a bump. It was a bump that I worried over for decades, but in reality, it wasn’t because of the permanent reminder of how I got the bump, but what the bump meant to me growing up.

When I was 10 years old, I found out my father was not my father. I had a really smooth nose, but my original father had a bump. My bump meant we were the same, sort of like twins, except he’s darker than me. I truly looked like him as well, and there was never a doubt I was his child. Hell, not even from my mom; she was just as shocked as I was. When I found he wasn’t my father anymore, it was like I lost all connection between myself, my Caribbean heritage (Jamaican and Trinidadian), and, more importantly, my shared nose bumps. Then I met my biological father, and to say we didn’t get along is an understatement. My nose-bump meant happiness and twins, but now it meant something worse; it told a lie. My biological father and I are actual twins. I look just like him, nose bump and everything.

I was so upset at first to see he shared my nose bump, especially because mines grew from a broken nose, but then I thought, what if it didn’t grow from a broken nose. What if it was just genetics? Either way, I guess I still have a twin, my biological father, but because we look so much alike, having my face and having to look into the mirror every day was also torture. It was a reminder that my life was uprooted entirely and that I ended up with the short end of the stick, or so I thought. It was very hard for me to understand forgiveness then, but I get it now. It’s not that my father and I don’t get along, but that living through so much trauma we (me, my mom, and my two dads) lived through has formed a wall of ice and protection around us. Before anyone says, are you angry with your mother, the answer is no. She was young, and according to every single person, I have ever met who knows them, especially my fathers, the story has always been the same. My biological father didn’t claim me, and my original dad did. I also look like both men, and if that’s not a mind f*ck, then I don’t know what is.

Loving my face was easy because I’m attractive, but actually loving how I look admits that it’s okay now. I am okay now. I can make the jokes now. I even have pictures of my father on my phone prepped and ready because whenever I tell this story or talk about how much I look like my father, especially now that I’m a Bald Baddie, lol, I have to pull up a picture and show them. The very first thing anyone says to me is, “yes, this is definitely your father, you have the same face; look at your nose! It’s exactly the same.

I am so thankful for my roommate. I don’t have any pictures of her, and her birthday just passed, but she took me in and allowed me to live here with her for so long. Honestly, coming from my situation in NYC to here saved me in general. It’s been a little over 4years now, and we are still rocking. We’ve oddly become like family, and we’re even operating that way as well.

Literally, since the beginning of the pandemic, she has been in my corner completely and has looked out for me and everyone in her circle. During the pandemic, I lost my job and my car, so she lowered my rent and added me to her insurance, so now we share her vehicle. She has been an incredible help and literal angel for the past two years, well, much longer than two years, but I am talking about the pandemic only right now.

• A list of things she has done that has truly saved me from anxiety and any other feeling of dread and sorrow this past year.
• Driving me places and helping me out to and from the amtrak and other places in NYC when I needed a ride.
• Letting me have her car for whole days to film
• Participating in my school work when I couldn’t find anyone else to do so
• Making me food several holidays in a row
• Feeding me
• Allowing me to have the car for the entire weekend for my upcoming birthday
• Helping me with money when I needed it
• Setting me up for success in my schooling and ensuring I have space and time to film throughout the house even though she works from like 7 am-midnight.

She is genuinely a godsend of a woman. They say when you treat people good, you’ll always have someone to take care of you, and she is the true definition of that statement. She has a strong network, who feeds her, takes care of her, helps her whenever they can, no matter if she asks or not. She works incredibly hard at work and her hobbies. We support one another out as much as humanly possible, and I am grateful to have met her and known someone like her. I have always done a lot for those around me, and I hope I have the community she does when I’m older.

The directions were to post “A” birthday picture of yourself that makes you smile but honestly, last year was such a year, lol. I have decided to show a few. The pandemic had me feeling oddly grateful, happy, depressed, and downright scared. When I did this photoshoot with Layra, I completely reset and began to feel like myself all over again. I am so thankful and happy for her being introduced to me and giving me such an amazing and wonderful experience. I am also very grateful for my roommate, who knew I was down because I couldn’t afford the extra pictures and gave me the extra money to afford all the images out of kindness. I look at these photos, and I not only smile, but I also rejoice with the utmost happiness because if there’s one thing about me, IMMA SHOW SOME SKIN, CELLULITE, ROLLS, AND STRETCH MARKS. I honestly felt so good that day; I keep going back to stare at them. I even printed some out and sent them to people, lol.

My absolutely favorite birthday mishap comes in the form of my 26th birthday again (this was a really great and super eventful birthday with lots of visitors!) is when my best friend Jesse showed up a whole month early, during one of the absolute most stressful midterms I’ve ever taken in my life. He sent me a text about being at the Greyhound station and having to pay for parking. When I asked him where he was going, he sent me back a few dots, and the connection hit. Tomorrow was the 10! meaning this man thought my birthday was November 10th.

He literally panicked, and so did I because I had midterms; I was nowhere near finished. It was due on Monday, and I also worked a full-time job standing all day as security in NYC, adding in commute times and everything; it was just wild. He came a few hours after I got off work, we went out for food and drinks the next day, and he was absolutely fine with me doing my homework. We went out for food both days; he visited me and went all over Manhattan. We still laugh about it to this day, and coincidentally, for my actual birthday, he wished me a happy birthday two days later, thinking it was December 10th. Needless to say, I passed that class with flying colors, and I am so happy he came because it was a much-needed distraction.

This is my favorite vacation memory.
December 2017 Los Angeles, California. 26th Birthday trip

My best friend and I had one day left to celebrate, and when we got all the way back to our Airbnb and were about to get ready for bed, she literally looked over and said, “AWWW MAN, WE DIDN’T GO TO WHERE BIGGIE GOT SHOT!”. Although I was sick and sleepy, we hopped in the car, drove to the place, and ran to all four corners laughing and being silly. It was such a good time, and we even discovered a restaurant dedicated to Bernie Sanders. The picture above was taken at The Public Art “Urban Light” statue. After our shenanigans, we started to drive back and saw a bunch of parked cars, and then BAM!!!! THE URBAN LIGHTS SCULPTURE!! I was so excited I screamed, “look, this is in mad movies!” I pulled over instantly, and we got out, took a bunch of pictures, videos, and literally had fun with everyone around us.

It’s funny thinking of one of my favorite birthday vacation memory because I have so many. I feel like because I spent the first 20 years of my life living through half-assed ruined birthday celebrations, now when I celebrate, I do so and then let it go. Sometimes I go back through the folders but only for pictures and not reminiscing, but lately, I’ve been reflecting, and it has felt great to see how loved and happy I was by those participating. Especially my best friends who come through for me, no matter where they are in the world. This challenge was kind of hard for me to choose one moment, and it was a toss-up between LA and San Francisco, but this was a moment of pure, unfiltered, and childlike BLACK GIRL JOY!